Everyday in my life I try to be the best I can be often feeling like I have a long way to go. Anxiety is written all in these words. So I decided to write this to address the elephant in the room for so many of us. The internal turmoil, the anxiety, the depression, the feelings of strugglesville.
We are all so different, yet we are all human and so similar it becomes so confusing because no box or label can draw the line to make it clearly understandable.
I am a perfectionist deep down and underneath that is anxiety. My thought process works in extremes. For example if someone seems unhappy I wonder what I did wrong and how I can fix it. My first thought is how did I fail for them. I have worked a lot over the years to take deep breaths after similar thoughts to bring space to the attachment of everything evolves around me failing.
We humans are so complex, weird, interesting, beautiful and strange creatures. We are all so different, yet we are all human and so similar it becomes so confusing because no box or label can draw the line to make it clearly understandable. Trying to understand another, how they feel, react will never be the same as yourself or someone else. Trying to connect and communicate could mean something entirely different to another. This makes life terrifying and exhausting for me. If I get in a misalignment with someone it fuels my anxiety. My thoughts tend to think that everything is my fault. Reading this sounds crazy to someone who does not have anxiety, because that isn’t how we are taught that people function. A more reasonable response by text book would be figure out a solution and don’t dwell.
So why do I talk about anxiety and depression? Because this is what drove me deep into my depression and blackness. However, accepting it and working on myself to help me to manage it made me realise that I am not alone and I would do anything to help others feel the same in their silent suffering. So what do I really want others to know about anxiety or depression….Firstly it is not and never will be personal.
It is such a strange thing to say but if people are acting weird or say things that do not quiet make sense, usually it can be that they are anxious. If they are having trouble eating, looking uncomfortable in a social situation it is probably anxiety at work. If someone is extra exhausted from stress, a problem or an argument it is probably anxiety. Most people do not realise how paralysing, exhausting and confusing anxiety and depression is. It also is not a choice, while anyone suffering can learn to cope better there will be days that to breathe is difficult. It becomes natural to fixate on something unnecessary or irrelevant.
When you have anxiety or depression it is not your own voice anymore going right from wrong. It is like wearing beer googles and trying to journey through life every thing a little less centred and less clear and defined. A tiny problem or situation can become overwhelming and big. When someone gets angry it feels like they hate you. There is no grey areas for someone who is suffering with anxiety or depression there is just black and white.
However hearing words of kindness and compassion when one struggles can change so much. I cannot ever speak the exact feelings for anyone who has suffered with anxiety or depression but what I want most as a human that has suffered is people to see and recognise me and in turn recognise others who have suffered. To be a little more loving and compassionate. To hold a little more space for those that are unsure, get stuck, feel lost or look uncomfortable, even when it seems easy or natural or irrelevant.
I write this because anxiety and depression are more common then we think or care to admit. I want the world to understand even though many of us are smiling on the surface and doing our best many are suffering. However, also living with anxiety and depression is possible without suffering so much. It is not weird or unusual to have experienced, experience or in the future experience anxiety or depression.
I want many things to change in the world but most importantly I would love the world to have more compassion, kindness and better understanding how anxiety or depression presents itself in the world and also that if you are one suffering like I have been, there are better tomorrows. There are more beautiful days to come. You are not weird or alone. You are in fact beautiful, worthy, enough and awesome even if you do not feel it.
If you know someone suffering or simply turn to the person next to you who knows they could be suffering, please give them a hi 5 say you rock because sometimes a little joy and love is all we all need whether we suffer or not to pull us out of our thoughts