“and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.’ it took a long breath. and replied ‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.” ― Nayyirah Waheed
This is me. #noedit
My body… not others.
I’m questioned over my skin, my words, my choices, my desires. Even if I could change into what others want me to be, will they be content?
It is painfully funny my crazy existence, fuels others imagination, teases others tolerances as if my body is for others for amusement, just not yet mine!
This is my masterpiece, every muscle has a story of how I created it over not a month, but my entire life. I do not deserve to eat bad because of what my body looks like or have more rest days. I deserve to eat healthy and continue moving, so I can continue to function well. I am not a label like porn or inappropriate. I am a human that has created a child inside me. I have inside me neuro pathways that show on the outside how I learnt to be who I am through the ripple of these muscles on my body. I created this body from my heart and soul desires, not for externals or for anyone to judge me by it, but for myself and my life. It is my work of art my body and my home for this life and my external expressions of my heart and soul and mind. It is not a body given to me, it is made through my choices and hard work and the life I have experienced good and challenging. My body is not a problem to be solved, my body it is a gift to be utilised. I am 34 years old and have one child. This is a 34 year old body still working for me, not against me. This is me and my gift to me is a body that I can use to create the art and life I choose, with kindness, love and respect given to me, so I can then shine it to others because it all starts within. This body is my tool to create the rest of my life. Our bodies are not sins, they are not a judgment of good or bad or more beautiful people. They are simply tools for life, with our stories etched into them by each scar, unique look and muscle movement.
Im not here to be put on a pedestal. I’m not perfect in any way or some social media person just cause of a number. This number 60,000 plus followers isn’t about me, it’s about a community of souls; open hearts uniting….You all!
I am a pretty imperfect human in all honesty, just trying to be real, connect and help others through being vulnerable, crazy, silly, my truthful and speaking of my own experiences in hope they help another. If I think of me I think I am really just a messy imperfect human doing her best, a mom trying to be a good human that is grateful for this beautiful online community and life. More often then not im the girl whose fallen off the pedestal sitting on the ground underneath everyone else laughing at my own chaos, saying something inappropriate and turning red as a tomato. … But let’s get real for just a moment….
One area of life I failed at and am glad i did was when Laine was two I tried to commit suicide. I felt like a terrible human, nobody loved me, a failure as a mother, a woman, always upsetting people and thought I’d be better off gone…..these thoughts we don’t say out loud often but they cause much chaos in the outside world that look like depression, anger, sadness, emptiness, unemployment, relationship and friendship breakdowns, death, misunderstandings, fear that are often turned a blind eye to as failure it’ll pass…..Before I could see my light again after my failed suicide attempt I had to deal with darkness like these thoughts asking: Am I observing the situation accurately or am I projecting how I feel onto what is happening?
This darkness called Depression said to me: I am broken from the inside. Depression slowly chips at you away, finally devouring you… Troubling thoughts flood our head. For some they never get the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy….Honestly we all look up at the stars and we don’t know which ones are still alive. Their light just hasn’t faded yet. People are like that as well. I was that once too. We don’t know which ones are already dead on the inside. So please connect to those you love you could save a life and don’t have the attitude of she’ll be right it’ll pass.
Please know I see us as humans not battle of the sexes, races, cultures, religions etc
Women and men: we are so not off the hook just because a man or woman stepped up to take responsibility for his or her behavior.
We have our own accountability to take, our own part to claim in shitty dynamics, the ways WE contributed.
And WE need to all step up and work together.
I’m not talking about sexual situations only. I’m talking about all of it.
We have all done things that we are not proud of and acted in ways that now looking back realised could have been better behaviours. Many have been affected by our own individual unhealed and unintegrated traumas and lack of awareness/know-how/willingness. Healing and trauma is no excuse to unintentionally or intentionally getaway with behaviour that was inappropriate or hurtful. Our trauma and responsibility to choose to heal is a gateway to a fulfilling life but we must accept it and own it first.
To forgive is a gift you give yourself. I’m quite certain that THIS is what made the difference for me in how i show up today & in how I’m able to still have a soft heart. But also to own my own faults help me make better choices more loving in the future.
Humility is for EVERYONE. Reflection and self-awareness and honesty is for everyone. All Humans, no exception. If we want people to be accountable we have to be accountable too. If we want to be treated equal or with respect we need to act as equal. So please go over your past and see where you can be accountable, learn or apologise, make amends and forgive yourself and others. To be the change we wish to see in the world we must also do our part to make it happen.