@supermomtraci asked when I started yoga. I started yoga at 29 but really only the physical posture practice. This was after I had lost one child and had my daughter Laine. I was fighting postnatal depression and thought that moving would create space. However starting yoga really wasn’t until I was 31 in Saudi Arabia after I tried committing suicide. I realised yoga wasn’t a posture, it was my breath and without controlling my breathing my panic attacks, anxiety and depression were going to take or control my life and I would never be a good example for my daughter. So my failure of suicide turned into my greatest gift and my yogas real journey didn’t start till 2 years after societies vision of yoga in physical postures started. I learnt the pain that came to me is not always my choice but keeping it on me is. Yoga taught me to continually forgive and lessen the obsessive thinking related to it. So I could allow my pain to no longer control me. I have stopped trying to live so hard each day to the fullest as each day is full all on its own. All I have to do is notice it. Through my breath I realised it was okay not to be perfect. It was okay to be a sinner and not be ashamed about the things I was or have been. I am here now and I am enough. My definition of a whole life will never be societies. The judgment that is continually passed upon me now I realise is something I need to work on letting go from because it does not change that I am living a whole life full of worth and meaning even if people cannot understand me. I have learnt to love myself for me and that I am still walking and breathing and burning my own path to find the hope, love, acceptance, compassion I need. I am far from perfect, an imperfect soul but yoga made me realise that is still a blessed human to be and I never need myself to fit into the prison of societies definition of perfect or normal. We are all born free and the best thing yoga taught me was not to spend a lifetime becoming a slave to my own false truths.
Im not here to be put on a pedestal. I’m not perfect in any way or some social media person just cause of a number. This number 60,000 plus followers isn’t about me, it’s about a community of souls; open hearts uniting….You all!
I am a pretty imperfect human in all honesty, just trying to be real, connect and help others through being vulnerable, crazy, silly, my truthful and speaking of my own experiences in hope they help another. If I think of me I think I am really just a messy imperfect human doing her best, a mom trying to be a good human that is grateful for this beautiful online community and life. More often then not im the girl whose fallen off the pedestal sitting on the ground underneath everyone else laughing at my own chaos, saying something inappropriate and turning red as a tomato. … But let’s get real for just a moment….
One area of life I failed at and am glad i did was when Laine was two I tried to commit suicide. I felt like a terrible human, nobody loved me, a failure as a mother, a woman, always upsetting people and thought I’d be better off gone…..these thoughts we don’t say out loud often but they cause much chaos in the outside world that look like depression, anger, sadness, emptiness, unemployment, relationship and friendship breakdowns, death, misunderstandings, fear that are often turned a blind eye to as failure it’ll pass…..Before I could see my light again after my failed suicide attempt I had to deal with darkness like these thoughts asking: Am I observing the situation accurately or am I projecting how I feel onto what is happening?
This darkness called Depression said to me: I am broken from the inside. Depression slowly chips at you away, finally devouring you… Troubling thoughts flood our head. For some they never get the chance to learn how to change dull pain into pure joy….Honestly we all look up at the stars and we don’t know which ones are still alive. Their light just hasn’t faded yet. People are like that as well. I was that once too. We don’t know which ones are already dead on the inside. So please connect to those you love you could save a life and don’t have the attitude of she’ll be right it’ll pass.