One thing I am learning is it won’t matter how loud or how much I tell the world of my pains & suffering, as it will always be misappropriated, shamed or misunderstood.. But also when it is understood by others it still won’t heal me or save me. What sharing our trauma/struggles is about, is the connection we build as humans by being vulnerable & knowing that we are not alone.
Some vulnerable shares:
-Flying over someone’s shoulder, across the room. My thought: it was my fault, I deserve this.
-Taking a moped to my hotel after being raped in Bali. Only to be felt up by the driver. My thought: I wondered how I caused it??
-Waiting 3 months to know if I was disease free from the rape, while watching my mom with Multiple Sclerosis suffer an attack because of feeling pain for what happened to me. My thought: I kept wishing I could die cause then others wouldn’t have to suffer for me.
-Sharing losing a child, pre/postnatal depression & attempt on my life. Talking about why I do yoga to keep my mental health in check on social media. Only to be told I am a bad mother/porn star because of what I wear. Those comments made me think: Would anyone would miss me if I was successful at leaving this world? And maybe my daughter would be better off without me?
This is some of my story and thoughts that accompany me on my healing journey……
What time will teach us is we cannot heal by seeking others’ understanding & approval from life. We cannot heal our way into the most put together version of ourselves.
When we know this we remember that healing is not about going back to when everything was good, it is the ability to build the strength & courage to handle everything life throws at us. When we walk with this knowledge. We will remember there will be sacred clowns (haters), bad days, cruel people, scars, misunderstandings. setbacks and more. However along this journey we learn we do not need to avoid them to heal, we need to go through it all.
In a snow storm to be able to see again we must let it settle and to overcome we must go through it, to succeed we must fail, to know beauty we must embrace it all as enough and a gift, to grow we must try.
photo by https://www.instagram.com/fotos_by_gerhard/